As most of you know...Kyle and I lived in Sydney, Australia for one year where Kyle attended Hillsong College studying worship, and I worked part-time at Hairhouse Warehouse selling hair products. It was an amazing experience, and I wouldn't change a bit of it! We moved back to Georgia in July of last year, and moved into my parents basement until we could find jobs, and get back on our feet.
Shortly after moving back home we found out that we were expecting our first child in April 2015. We were so very excited, and told our families two weeks later! Only a few days after that we lost the baby, and were pretty devastated. Miscarriage is something you really don't understand unless you've been there, and we didn't have a clue how painful it would be. Our family was there and helped us in every way they could, but it was a much longer and harder process than we thought. Through it all, we knew that God had a plan, and knew what was best for us at that moment.
Two months later we found out we were expecting our second baby. We weren't sure at this point whether we should feel excited or nervous. It was definitely a little of both! Once again we wanted to wait a few weeks before telling our families about the baby. We had an ultrasound to make sure everything looked good, and saw the baby's heartbeat which was such a relief! After that we began to let ourselves get more excited, and told our families the good news on Thanksgiving! We had our first appointment with the Doctor, and everything looked great. We were right on track to have baby #2 in July 2015! We began share our excitement with our close friends, but didn't make it "public" yet.
Two days before I hit the 3 month mark, I knew something was wrong. Since I had miscarried just a few months before I was afraid that was happening again. I remember praying and telling God that I couldn't do this again, I couldn't handle losing another baby. After that Kyle and I prayed together for the baby to be healed if there was anything wrong, and for our minds to be at ease instead of constantly worrying about what was going on. The following day we found out that we had lost the baby. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. We just knew this time was it, everything was so different, and we were going to have this baby in July....but God had other plans. We were extremely heartbroken, and struggled with it a lot more this time. During this tough time our friends and family were awesome! They made sure we had food, kept us company, and made us laugh to keep our minds distracted. It has been a very long process that we are still going through, but God has given us so much strength and comfort.
The positives
Looking back at all that we went through it is amazing to see the Love of Jesus that was shown toward us!
We have grown in our marriage as we are walking through this season together.
My relationship and walk with the Lord has grown so much since January.
He has given me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and do things I never thought I would.
I started a new job nannying two adorable kids!
I think the biggest/most important thing that I see is looking back to that night when I said I couldn't handle losing another baby, and the fact that I DID make it through. That was an ah-ha moment for me. Alot of people say "God won't give you more than you can handle." Well I hate to break it to you, but that is not true at all, and I have experienced it first hand. I knew that I couldn't handle losing another baby. I had to TOTALLY trust God to get me through it, and guess what? He did! I am alive and well, and have actually had the opportunity to speak with a few other ladies going through the loss of babies as well. He gave us so much strength and comfort during this season, and we are actually healing alot faster than I thought we would! God is so faithful! When you surrender fully to Him, there is no telling what He will do!
A little encouragement
Last month at The Grove, Jill McCloghry(who has an awesome story by the way) shared this quote:
"No matter what your winter, there is a new season coming! Spring is coming!"
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world"
John 16:33
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Psalm 139: 1-6, or read all of Psalm 139
My favorite verse for the past few months has been Isaiah 43:18-19.
Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
My thoughts now
It is so encouraging to me to know that I am not stuck in this season forever. I do not want to dwell on the past, and what has happened. I would not change what I have learned through this season, but I am so excited to move forward and see what new things God has in store for us in the next one!
If the only reason we lost this second baby is to re-focus and learn to trust God totally, and understand that when we go through the tough times, He will carry us through, IT'S WORTH IT. If we only lost this baby, so that we can sympathize with and encourage others who are going through the same thing or something similar, IT'S WORTH IT. If we only lost this baby, so that God could use me to tell this story, and hopefully encourage someone in the process, IT'S WORTH IT.
Is it still hard?
Yes.
Do I still have days where I just want to cry?
Yes.
Am I going through this alone?
No, I have a super awesome husband who is going through it with me, and God has carried us every step of the way.
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| I am so grateful for the opportunity to lead worship alongside my amazing husband! (this is one of those opportunities I was talking about that takes me out of my comfort zone) |
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